Down Time

There have been times where I've walked with a swagger, times where I've beheld the entire world with contempt. I was a shark easily sliding through life, devouring it's challenges and quickly becoming the most feared animal in the ocean. Now is not one of those times. These aren't the "date three girls at once" days, these are the small and alone on the road days. These aren't the chest out, chin up, full stride, pride days, these are eyes on the road, jaw clenched, "we can do this" days. I feel fragile and exposed out here, I'm far away from everything and stuck with only myself to keep me company. Me and my memories...great. I remember the faces mostly, and the how their bodies felt next to mine and as always in times like these I wonder how I ever took such comfort for granted. This is it though, this is the next phase, I'm not going back so I'd better get used to it.

Maybe it's because I got most of my stuff stolen on my last night night in Philadelphia, maybe it's because I walked away from a pair of big brown eyes, a bigger heart, and the offer of a good life in order to chase down my demons, maybe it's because deep inside I know that in no way shape or form am I a man that a six year old me would be proud of, be excited about, or look forward to becoming. This is a time to ruminate and reflect, to lock doors and bleed silent tears, this is a time to reset, reorient, and reclaim who I want to be, point my heart in the right direction and move. I'm not done yet, I may be down but never out. Just wait, just wait and see, the best part is coming up, this is going to get good.