Everything I know about women, I learned from Indiana Jones.
The Indiana Jones films posit that there are three primary female archetypes:
The Marion, The Willie, and The Elsa. All woman are a combination of these three distinct personas, and the great quest for modern man is to find a women with a personality make up complementary to our own, in essence our "perfect" woman.
Let’s examine some of the essential traits comprising each archetypal model:
The Marion-
When we first meet The Marion she is beguiling the ignorant Mongolian herdsman with her astonishing ability to punish a handle of whiskey despite being of small frame. Soon, she proves herself handy in an all or nothing scrap with the big ugly forces of imperial fascism. This is a woman who can hang with the boys. Despite these masculine overtones, when the time comes to make pretty, she is able to pull of breezy bazaar style or Paris high fashion formal ware with barely a fuss and a fling of her hair. You might be saying case closed, search over and you may be right…if you can handle a woman with a mind of her own. Now I personally love a spirited independent lady that will call me out when my dizzy dream-eyed, emo scale, starts inching into the red, but there are a lot of men who still harbor an innate castration anxiety and the idea of having to submit to the will and authority of a women, no matter the circumstances, is out of the question.
Well to these guys I have but one thing to say:
"you’re a bunch of pussies"
The Marion is more than ready to ride shotgun on your crazy high adventures, but you better be ready to back her up on adventures of her own or she will cut you loose like bi-plane from a dirigible.
The Willie-
She knows a good diamond when she sees one, she can charm the pants off a Chinese gangster, and is featured in the dictionary under the entry for HIGH MAINTENANCE. Man, what a handful. You practically have to drag this women anywhere unless, of course, you are offering to have courtesans CARRY HER and all her BAGGAGE. She’s a princess and when the chips are down, not worth the weight. Such a weak representation of a heroine, when compared to The Marion, aided this follow up effort to be overlooked and forgettable; for me the only redeeming part of the whole caper is the introduction of Shortround as the ideal wingman. Distrustful and intolerant of the Willy’s need for attention and totally clutch when some effete metro sexual prince is voodoo jabbing you in the back, he beats out the other two best friend archetypes The Sallah and The Brodie (just barely). The Willie, of course, can come around to more of a grounded and self sufficient attitude but it takes an enormous amount of effort. A little bit of a Willie goes a long way (read: headache city), her overwhelming need for reassurance and the sense of security that material comforts provide, make her a poor choice for an adventure buddy, unless of course you hate getting dirty too, in which case you’re a whiny bitch and the two of you will be very happy together. Unfortunately a lot of men would opt for this sort of "trophy" relationship, which just proves that these men are dimwitted, even more unfortunate is that too many women are conditioned to believe this the extent of feminine identity, all Willie’s seem to need is to realize their inner Marion.
The Elsa-
Oooooooohhohohohho Elsa. This is a tough one boys. Smoking hot, Blonde, Slut, NAZI. I have half a chub just thinking about her. How can something so wrong feel so right? She’ll give you good chase, then blow you in a Venetian library catacomb, romp with you halfway across Europe, and then sell you out to some evil fascist rich boys who can buy her more coke and chardonnay. Why then, is it so hard to let her fall to her own selfish doom in the temple of the holy grail? Because even God knows a good fuck is a terrible thing to waste. This is the woman that posses raw sexuality and wields it like a weapon. I’ll hand my grail diary over to this uber-bitch every time, as long as she tells me that I’m very bad and that I’ve let my country down as she fucks me sideways. Just remember that it’s all fun and games until you start getting soft, to quote Hall & Oates "if you’re in it for love, you ain’t gonna get too far" so listen to your wingman Shortround and cover your heart. You don’t want someone this malevolent tinkering around with the pink squishy softness living beneath your iron clad exterior, no sir knight, you will have chosen poorly.
So in the end you have to choose for yourself, after all you’re going to have to live with each other, just be honest with yourself and what you’re into. There’s nothing wrong with having a Willy that has a Marion streak in her, in fact that would be pretty cool, I think all well kept girls want to get down and dirty and closed fist knock some teeth back every once and awhile. If you’re into getting stepped on and slapped around go and find an Elsa, go get your fascist dominatrix, but if you intend on living with this person you better hope there more than just the abuse, hopefully a little Marion or Willy to mellow the brew.
I personally can’t deal with a Willie, I just don’t want to put in the time and effort. I’m left with Marion and Elsa and while Marion is very pretty, Elsa is a grade A slice of Aryan wet dream, she’s got the lips, hips and finger tips, to make you a penitent man; but would you rather wake up in the morning with a knife in your back or next to a smiling natural beauty that is ready eat pancakes and get swept up in some serious world saving adventures? At the end of the day a Marion will not only lie on her back for you but watch yours while you’re drinking from the grail. Besides, how can you kiss Elsa and not think of how your old man had already blazed that trail? Gross.
Like the mythical quest for the grail, a young man’s search for his ideal counterpart is a long and possibly endless pursuit, a fools errand. However, I think you can find someone who fits your needs and whose needs you fulfill and together you can figure out how the adventure unfolds. You make sure she doesn’t step into the light and trigger the poison darts, she’ll make sure you don’t get your heart ripped out of your chest and thrown into molten pit of magma to please the black goddess Kali. That isn’t a quality that is easy to find in people, so if you find a special lady who is willing to jump out of an airplane on an inflatable raft, you better not hold it against her when she hits you with the mirror. No, just thank your lucky stars then sneak off the boat and onto the submarine so you can save her from the scary Jewish ghosts (close your eyes, dear) and rejoice that the opposing forces of darkness and tyranny will be puddles of their former selves. Take the highs with lows, be kind, considerate and caring and by all means Jones, let the lady buy you a drink.
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