New Town Smell

So when you ride down the street in Philadelphia and try, like i do, to take in as much as possible, you can't help but be a little overwhelmed by all the new things, the things that didn't exist in your old town. Like for instance, you're following your lady down Arch street, both of you whizzing around late-night on your fancy "cool kid" road bikes, and you zip by a little place called
" The All-Night Pleasure Palace".
Whoa! Holy Fuck! Are you serious???!!!
You screech to a halt and go back because you can't believe it. She doesn't think its a big deal, but thats because she didn't sit through five consecutive summers of Shane P. Callahan regaling you with farcical tales of the unfortunately fictions A.N.P.P. or All Night Pussy Palace, the type of dreamy locale that only libidinous adolescent males could conjure up. Alas, this Palace is only a late night dirty bookstore and probably a bit too grimy for you or your special lady to endure, but it is smack dab in the middle of Downtown, on the main drag not some shadowy alleyway (thats where the Occult shop is). Don't believe me? Have a look, it's only a few blocks past the Federal Corrections Facility. OOP.
Yeah thats right, amongst hotel high rises, commercial skyscrapers, and other testaments to architectural engineering, there sits a a large tower made of glass, steel, mandatory abuses of authority and butt rape.
Right. Down. Town.
Why? Why the fuck is there a federal detainment center in the middle of downtown Philadelphia? Could you please pick a better location for the homicidal maniacs, child rapists, and pot smokers besides in my main commercial district? Thank you. I mean Jesus Fuck! it's right there in between the Ben Franklin Colonial Taekwondo Dojang and the GlaxoSmithKline Compound. Have some decency, at least put it between two Starbucks so if the butt rapers get out they can sodomize that section of the population most entitled to it...Make mine a grande'.
The other thing, besides the fresh out of the oven soft pretzels (from one of the many soft pretzel bakeries here in the greater Philadelphia area), this city stinks! No like seriously...for real. There is some kind of thing with garbage around here, like the sanitation engineers don't really like handling it even though it's their job. You always see bags of it hanging around in random places, outside the Art museum, on the sidewalk in front of your house for three weeks, in the bathrooms of the statehouse...though never around the Masonic temple...hmmmm. It's like the city is full of freaky-deak trash-o-philes who just love buttering themselves up with rotten vegetables and old baby-wipes before they get all nasty and start vomiting cheesesteak oil and old Wawa Sweet Tea onto one another, slapping their stinky asses, and calling each other Barry.
Not that i know..
So as you ride past such wondrous and historic sites, like the All Night Pleasure Palace, the Federal Fecal Impaction Institute, and the big fountain there ...the one where the turtles and frogs are spitting on the naked men, you'll catch these ghost vapors, these putrid phantom smells that almost pole-axe you off your ten speed. It's funk man, and you can't fake it. It just makes me wonder, how does Providence smell? I mean no one around here notices the stinkies any more, which is all the better for me, because my girlie has me eating more beans and vegetables which always leads to me slipping out steamy little secret messages during the course of the day...none of which you would care to decipher. So as I get ready to go back to my homepiece for a couple of days, I steel myself for the brutal reality that my hometown reeks of rancid quahogs and system wieners that have all been shat out by a lactard after a coffee cabinet drinking contest. Grosser than gross.
So in closing, I guess I wasn't ready for my new town smell, the unshowered, sweaty, pit-stink of my new home. Not that i mind really, it still smells better than pussy, and I voluntarily stick my face in that stuff all the time.